Point is, people I chat with these days are making a lot of noise about their dissatisfaction with their lives; not making enough money, not dating the right person, and really just normal things that make life what it is; simply being experienced by those people for a first time.
Once you’ve been on the planet for a while though, you realize that mostly there are things which seem important and there are things that are important. That line is different for everyone, but I’d trade at this moment all the heartache of lost love, because in the end, that’s just a thing that happens to most everyone, and generally, much in the way one “grows up, gets old, and dies” many “get married, have kids, maybe they divorce (chances still 50%) and then they die”. So… those to me are, while possibly fulfilling, just another rake in the shed. In other words, normal life; I’d wouldn’t mind some semblance of it.
Chronic pain, is something no one signs up for. It slowly wears you down and slowly erodes portions of your life you once thought were foundational. I had to take anti-anxiety meds yesterday just so I could get an epidural just so I can sleep mostly normal. When friends and family ask how that went – and they ask from a genuine place of caring and most would would like to help if they could – I don’t think I’ve told the truth once. But that’s only because human nature makes them say things, like “Wow, that’s unfortunate, have you tried acupuncture?” You can substitute just about anything in there for that except crystals and spirit alignment, but in all truth that shit didn’t help because the doctors barely can.
I would love to tell everyone that, wow, today is the best I’ve felt in many years, but it isn’t. I’ll take the medications that don’t scoop my brain out, and get through the working day, come home, and then slowly vegetable as the meds I couldn’t take for work begin to soak in.
To say that these are dark times, is really just admitting there may only be one set of batteries left for the flashlight. After that, one cannot know what’s next because, well, you’ve got no way to illuminate your path. My doctor makes positive and negative sounds, and as time passes, we just continue to “try things”. The human nervous system is both well and poorly understood, and at this time there just aren’t any silver bullets or really anything close. So, one tries it all and hope that one of those things works.
I understand now much better why cancer patients take chemotherapy but I’ll be honest, if I was faced with that now (or something equally delightful like dialysis) I’d skip it and just eat my fate. I have always made honesty a central part of the character I’m constantly trying to improve on. Too many times in my life I’ve suffered because other people have lied to me and so I do everything in my power to not return that favor. However, in this one instance, I’m going to beg your forgiveness in advance:
If you ask me how I’m feeling, and I say “Ok”, don’t ask for details, agreed?